ASP 2:He was just 18
by Jonn Wood
Summary: Jonn, of the AntiSue PoliceASP, is called out on another dangerous assignment...the Danny Phantom fandom.
1. Chapter 1

Like every college student, the late October afternoon found Jonn sitting in front of the computer, procrastinating. He knew he had several essays and usch, but found himself enjoying the Monday off from school-thank you, Wilma-most by surfing the web. Unfortunately, his DSL had been down for nigh-upon two months, and he had resorted to setting up his old (shudder) Dia-Up connection. As a result, the madness was beginning to set in. Right now, he was an inch from the screen, staring at Firefox's little blue loading bar.

_"Load,_ curse you!" he whispered hoarsely. "Load, or the clowns will eat me!"

Thankfully for everyone within ten miles, his ASP badge decided to ring at that time. The badge, which Jonn had acquired upon joining the Anti-Sue police several months ago, was more than ID; it was also a communicator, a tricorder, and a cool blue glowy thing that could be used as a flashlight. Jonn flipped it open. The caller ID said "Mr. H.".

"Mr. Wood," said a voice(ASP was notoriously cheap, and never used videocomm unless it was important), "there is an assignment for you. I believe you're heard of _Danny Phantom_?"

"Once or twice," replied Jonn, glancing at the computer. Google had finished loading. "I suppose my first assignment as an agent is to be in that particular canon?"

"Yes, indeed," said Mr. H. "Um...as a side note: the badge is reading your pulse as off the charts. Also, you haven't shaved or bathed in a while."

"Clowns," said Jonn by way of explaination.

"I see...well, one to beam up."

* * *

Seconds later, Jonn found himself in his room at ASP HQ. He bathed, shaved, checked his email-that Nigerean guy still hadn't gotten back to him-, changed into his costume, got some anti-psycotics from the commissary, wondered how to spell "commissary", and headed for Weapons.

The weapons locker of ASP's Sector H was manned by a bespectacled Englishgeek by the name of "Simmons". Simmons was arguebly the best at creating weapons that couldn't exist for combating creatures that shouldn't exist. In this case, he was waiting for Jonn with the weapons case all packed up.

"Your loadout," he said without a greeting, "consists of several devices designed to simulate Danny's ghost powers. Flight, invisibility, overshadowing...we've even got Ghost-Sense, of sorts, in these." He held up a pair of sunglasses.

"Simmons, I don't know if you've noticed, but I _already_ wear glasses. Unless you've hacked into my eye doctor's computer and-of course. Nevermind."

Simmons gave Jonn an innocent look. "Your cover is as the attractive-snicker-son of a friend Sam's parents. They have enough empty rooms in their house to put you in one and forget you exist.All you have to do is flash them with this." He handed Jonn a small device not unlike a silver tampon with a little red light on the end.

"Isn't the light supposed to be blue?"

"ASP's policy is that the second movie doesn't exist."

"But-"

"You go bye-bye now."  



	2. Chapter 2

The rings deposited Jonn in Amity Park, outside Sam's house. Her parents were just pulling in.

Jonn heard the twin thumps as they closed the car, and walked toward their front doors in matching beams of sunshine. They stopped upon finding a bespectacled young Black man with a silver attache case and a suitcase sitting on their front steps.

"Who are you?" asked Mrs. Manson.

Jonn smiled and put on the sunglasses. "I've always wanted to say this...look right here." The Mansons stared obediently at the little red-

There was a sound not unlike _foop_.

The Mansons blinked. Jonn shoved the device into his pocket.

"Right...I'm the son of an old college friend that neither of you remember much about, here while, _um_, studying the anthropological habits of teenagers in high school."

"Wouldn't you get a better sample by researching an assorted number of schools? Ones that don't have all this strange supernatural stuff happen-"

"Did I ask you to talk?"_-foop-_

Mr. Manson graciously offered to take Jonn's bags up, while Mrs. Manson glazed him a ham. He sat in his room until Danny, Sam, and Tucker came upstairs.

"Um, who are you?" asked Sam, pausing on their way to her room.

Jonn whipped the copy of _Seventeen_ off his face and stood up. He plastered his winningest smile on his face, the one that _only _made babies cry, and stepped forward, arm outstretched.

"My name is Jonn," he said, and recited his cover story. "From what your parents tell me, you don't usually bring Danny and Tucker here after school."

"They wanted to see my new Linkin Park album, and-WHAT is that you're pointing at me?"

Jonn put away the ASP badge, which he had been staring intently at. "Oh, nothing, carry on."

The Trio edged towards Sam's room, slipped inside, and locked the door, while Jonn collapsed onto the bed. and thought hard. Obviously, none of the three was a Sue. Sam's characterization, while a little off, was understandable; she was a Goth/Punk type, after all, and it was easy for Suethours to mistake that for Nu-Metal. That meant that Sam wasn't the focus of the Sue, and only briefly touched upon.

"Wood to support."

"Simmons to Wood, over."

Jonn paused briefly to think about the Freudian implications of the statement, and replied. "What happened to Caina?"

"ASP has a rotaing support policy. We have more agents than support techs-or 'Scotties'-so we can't afford you guys getting attached. I believe she's currently helping some agent over in the _InuYasha_ fandom."

"Poor girl. Now teach me how to work these fancy gadgets. I need to go to Casper tommorrow, and an eighteen-year old, six-four highschooler just may arouse suspicion."  



	3. Chapter 3

Of course, thought Jonn the next morning, the Sue was probably someone close enough to Danny for him to be on their radar, but not enough for him to be actively affected by them. Or perhaps the Sue had changed a canon character so that she-statistically-was not as close to Danny as they should be. 

He swooped down to Denny's and Overshadowed himself up a Meat Lover's. Towards the third pancake, his CommBadge rang.

"Wood."

"Jonn, this is Simmons. The Powers That Be are concerned about you."

"What, like from _Charmed_?"

"No. I'm talking about the ASP administration. They think you're abusing your equipment."

"What? That's ridiculous! All I did was have Mr. Manson carry my bags up, have Mrs. Manson glaze me a ham, and gyp Denny's out of a few bucks for a free brea-oh."

"Exactly. By abusing the power that's been given to you, you are, in a way, doing the same thing that the Sues are. And dude, that's not cool."

Jonn looked out the window. "I guess I am, huh?"

"Indeed. Now if you needed to spend food money, ASP does have CanonCredit? Cards. Heck, I can get one to you by lunchtime."

"Affirmative. Wood, out."

"Simmons, out. Oh, and don't eat the eggs. They're undercooked."

Jonn beeped out and wondered, not for the first time, just how far ASP's resources extended.

* * *

It was remarkably simple for Jonn to march into Principal Ishiyama's office, _foop_ her, and get an All-Access pass to all the classes. Then he methodically began his search. 

Paulina; fine, though her accent was off. Dash had brown hair, Kwan was suddenly Filipino. It fit perfectly with someone who could care less about the main characters. Little was out of the ordinary in the ninth grade, and Jonn was baffled. He even went back to the Fentons' to check up on them. Nothing. He flew back to Casper High.

_I have all the evidence of a Sue, but no Sue herself_, thought Jonn dejectedly. _Habeas sueus_. Dejectedly, he called Simmons.

"Yo."

"I think you've sent me on a wild goose chase. There's no Sue here. Bad characterization, sure, but no Sue."

"Where did you look?"

"In the 9th grade, and back at the Fentons."

"You're dealing with an entire town full of potential Sues. Think _bigger_, would you?"

"I am the box ghost!"

"Hold on a minute." Jonn closed the CommBadge and addressed the so-called Box Ghost. "why are you the Box Ghost? I mean, normally you don't see that kind of behaviour in a cardboard receptacle."

The Box Ghost blinked. No-one had ever talked to him before. Usually, they just captured him, or sent him back to the Ghost Zone, or ignored him.

"Well, um, it had to do with the way I died..."

Jonn listened patiently for a half-hour while the Box Ghost related his death story.

"That was...beautiful," he said after the ghost had finished, and wiped a tear from his eye. "By the way, have you seen any strange phenomena around here? People or spirits acting weirdly?"

"_Hell-o_? Ghost!"

"Let me rephrase;" said Jonn. "Has anyone been acting just _slightly_ off?"

The box ghost thought for a moment. "Well, there has been some weird stuff happening in the 11th grade. Several ghosts have reported that they can't get close to it without being repelled by some _strange_ _energy_."

"The eleventh gr-of course. Thanks for the help." He turned to leave.

"You will come visit me again the next time you're in town, right?"

"Believe it."

* * *

He took the stairs. That mysterious energy was probably a Sue-devised ghost-shield, which meant that he wouldn't be able to go through it using his ghost-simulating devices. However, once he was inside, he switched to ghost form and headed straight for Jazz's locker. 

Oh, wait.

"Simmons, where's Jazz's locker?"

"No. 163."

"Thanks."

He palmed the mini Proton Blaster and took out the lock. Inside was, well, a standard sixteen-year old's stuff. _Seventeen_, a mirror, some cosmetics. Nothing special, and neat as a pin.

Time to see what Jazz was up to.


	4. Chapter 4

Or, at least, that was the idea.

Instead, the bell rang for break. Jonn was buffeted wildly about by the usual stampede of teenagers. By the time he manged to stand upright, clear the ringing in his ears, and realize his wallet was gone, all the students had already made it into their classrooms, and he had no idea were Jazz was. The ghost scanner wouldn't work with inside the Sue-generated ghost shield, and neither did any of his ghost-simulating gadgets. Even if he did figure out where Jazz was, there was no tellingwhat the Sue had done to her.

It was time for some _Art of War_ bidness.

* * *

Jonn was sure hiding under Jazz's bed would definitely qualify as "unconventional tactics". 

It was simple, really; the only way for him to draw a bead on where the Sue would hide her Heel was to observe her personally. She would no doubt 'sense; any survaillance devices, which he didn't have anyway. Since most Sues didn't look under beds, unless they kept their shoes there, he was probably safe. He squirmed a bit; something was poking him in his side. It turned out to be a red pen, which Jonn shoved away; he prefered black. He heard a noise and froze.

A pair of gothy legs came in, followed by a pair of slacks. Non cartoon slacks. In Sketcherz. Uh oh.

"Oh, _Chad_!" said a girl's voice. Then there were slurping noises. Then the bedsprings started to creak. Jonn would've cared, if he wasn't banging his head against the floor so hard.

After a few minutes-he stopped because he was blacking out-he heard a shriek of pain, the kind that would, in canon, bring Jack Fenton a-running crying "ghosts!" But since this was Suefic, they didn't hear a thing. Jonn checked his watch: three minutes. That was fast. He head the sound of heavy breathing.

"Want to go again?"

"Sure!"

More bedsprings.

Jonn bit deep into the pile rug.

* * *

Several hours later, Jonn crawled out from under the bed. They duo had gone downstairs to meet James lafferty for some hot three-way action, and Jonn had stayed under the bed, partially to make sure they were gone, partially to recover his sanity. He reached for his CommBadge. 

"_Simmons_," he said in a strangled voice.

"Yo."

"Why...was I not told...that I was being sent to a crossover smutfic?"

"It wasn't when we got the info. It was just a Punk!Sue. We didn't expect Chad Michael Murray's limo to break down outside the Fentons' door."

There was an icy silence.

"I expect to be paid double when I get back."

"You're not being paid."

"Then you'd better _start_. Wood out."

Jonn put away his CommBadge, retched a little, and stood up. He grabbed the pen, just in case he needed to write something down, and took a few deep breaths. Then he went dowstairs.


	5. Chapter 5

As Jonn descended, he heard the door opening.

"James Lafferty!" said a girl's voice tinged with pain inconceivable. "What a coincidence! Is that a broken-down limo I see outside?"

"Yeah, it is. Chad! I haven't seen you since, um, yesterday! I have missed you so much! Let's make out!"

Jonn tripped and fell down the steps. Suethour did _not_. Suethour also did not notice the sound of him falling down the steps. He gritted his teeth, picked himself up, and stormed into the living room, glowing green blasters drawn. He ignored the threeway, waited for her head to clear the TV stars, and fired just as her blackened lips were begining to form the word _what_.

It knocked her through the wall and into the kitchen.

"Who are you ?" said Murray.

"Some guy with a 16 year-old little sister. Would you please sign these pictures of you which shouldn't have been in Jaz's room in the first place?"

They did so, seconds before the Suethour came back.

"How dare you lay a hand on me!" she screamed. "Do you know who I am?"

"No," said Jonn, "and I _don't care_. " He fired again. This time she went through the roof.

He herded the teen (portraying) heartthrobs outside, while he still had the chance. He knew that most Sues were like the Borg; you get a few shots before they adapt, and then you'd better have a cool Klingon knife up your shirt.

The Sue came back, pissed.

"As I was saying," she continued, somehow managing to glow _black_, "I am Jazmine Evanescence Murray-Fenton th-"

"And as I was saying, _I don't care_," riposted Jonn, firing again. She had adapted, of course, but being interrupted in the middle of her purple prose really, really ticked her off. So much so, in fact, that she took out the entire top half of the Fentons'.

"Oh, snap," said Jonn, materializing. "They're going to kill me."

"Not so much," said Simmons brightly from his badge. "Canon Repair can clean all that up as soon as you take out the Sue. By the way, _why_ did you engage her directly?"

Jonn was to busy to reply, what with the running for his life and all. The problem was, he had no idea how to beat her, and he couldn't hide behind anything she couldn't destroy. His hesitation cost him; the Sue took a strip off his pants leg, and the contents of his pocket flew out. A dollar, a tissue, the red pen-

_The red pen_.

In a remarkably cool move, Jonn swiped the pen out of the air and held it between himself and the Suethour. Just like her predecessor, she froze.

"It was simple," said Jonn, quietly. "Editing."

This one barely poofed.

Jonn took the opportunity to collapse onto the Fentons' debris-covered couch. He had a long way to go; in his rage, he had gotten pissed off, and nearly killed. He didn't know how real the damage was which could be inflicted upon him here, but he would have to find out.

"_Who are you and what the expletive have you done to my house?_"

Jonn turned, and found Jack and Maddie Fenton, holding bags of groceries. Behind them, a truck labeled "Canon Repair" was pulling up. He smiled and pulled a small silver tube from his pocket.

"Mr. and Mrs. Fenton, I'm from your homeowners' association. Please look right here."

* * *

Next up; Star Wars: Episode III  



End file.
